Aloha Fiji! Welcome to Bula Vakasaama, a column focused on sharing practical strategies for achieving optimal mental health and well-being.
Today’s discussion centers on the emotions of shame, blame, guilt, and regret, which can undermine our happiness and pull us into a troubling cycle of negativity, anxiety, and sadness. Daily, we may experience one or all of these feelings, influencing our behaviors and reactions. Often, we consciously dwell on memories that ignite these emotions, while at other times, they operate subconsciously, shaping how we interact with the world.
To better understand these emotions, it’s crucial to identify if you’ve experienced any recently and examine how they relate to your behaviors or thought patterns.
Shame often arises from a deep-seated fear and can lead us to dark places if left unchecked. It occurs when we connect the negative experiences in our lives to our self-worth, mistakenly believing we are “bad” because of what happened. This unhealthy self-perception can degrade both physical and mental health over time. A common example is the profound shame faced by survivors of sexual abuse, which can persist across their lives, causing them to see themselves as flawed.
Blame, on the other hand, surfaces when we avoid accountability for our own actions, often misplacing fault onto others or even ourselves. This tendency keeps us in a victim mindset and detracts from our personal power. Regardless of the circumstance, blaming never provides a solution.
Guilt is another prevalent emotion, arising when we feel our past actions have caused harm or been morally wrong. It burdens our mental state and impacts our daily lives. There are two types of guilt: Appropriate Guilt, which is understandable and can lead to positive change, and Irrational Guilt, where we wrongly attribute fault to ourselves for situations outside our control.
Lastly, regret stems from our difficulty in accepting past events or outcomes, leading to a cycle of “should haves” and “could haves” that keeps us tethered to the past and hinders our ability to envision a positive future.
To overcome these emotions, consider the following strategies:
For Shame: Recognize that it is not your fault; seek counseling to process the experience.
For Blame: Observe your choices and take responsibility for your thoughts and actions, stepping away from the blame game.
For Guilt: Accept that some situations are beyond your control and focus on what you can change.
For Regret: Understand that perfection is unattainable and focus on doing your best in the present without fixating on outcomes.
Princess R Lakshman is a counselor, clinical nutritionist, writer, narrative therapist, and certified life coach. She advocates for mind wellness and self-care, and plans to establish wellness hubs in Fiji offering free mental health counseling and workshops. The views expressed are her own and may not reflect those of the publication. She can be contacted at info@princesslakshman.com.