Bula Fiji! Welcome to Bula Vakasaama, a column focusing on effective strategies for enhancing mental health and wellness.
Today, we explore the emotions of shame, blame, guilt, and regret, which can undermine our happiness and immerse us in a troubling and anxious cycle of sorrow, depressive symptoms, and negative behaviors.
On a daily basis, we experience at least one or all of these four emotions, which influence our actions and reactions. Sometimes these feelings are consciously recognized as we reflect on memories that evoke shame, blame, guilt, or regret. At other times, they operate as subconscious filters in our responses to life’s challenges.
How to comprehend these feelings? Start by identifying if you’ve recently encountered any of these emotions and examine the connection between them and your reactions in thoughts or actions.
Let’s examine each emotion to understand how they can disrupt our happiness.
Shame arises from a deep, often fearful part of ourselves that we may hesitate to confront, as it can plunge us into dark mental spaces. When we suffer from a terrible experience and come to view ourselves negatively because of it, this is shame. It leads us to label ourselves as “bad” due to unfortunate events, distorting our self-worth based on incidents rather than recognizing our inherent value and potential. Shame can gradually erode our mental and physical health if left unaddressed, often manifesting in severe consequences.
Blame occurs when we refuse to take responsibility for our actions, redirecting our accountability by finding faults in others. In scenarios lacking a clear target for blame, we may erroneously blame ourselves. Blaming is a significant barrier to happiness, as it keeps us trapped in a mindset of victimhood.
Guilt is a common feeling where we may believe that our past actions have caused harm or were unethical. This emotion can weigh heavily on our minds, affecting our daily thoughts, words, and actions. There are two types of guilt: Appropriate Guilt, which is based on clear reasoning (like a parent regretting a harsh outburst towards a child), and Irrational Guilt, where we wrongly attribute fault to ourselves for situations beyond our control.
Regret stems from an inability to accept past events or outcomes, leading to ongoing feelings of what we “should have” done differently. This constant focus on past mistakes can hinder our ability to plan for the future, as it fosters negative thinking that stifles positivity. Reflecting on experiences, such as feeling regret after helping someone who then neglects to reciprocate, can prevent us from engaging in new opportunities.
Strategies to combat these emotions include:
For Shame: Recognize that what happened is not your fault. Seek counseling to process the incident and work toward forgiveness.
For Blame: Observe your choices and be accountable for the outcomes of your thoughts, words, and actions. Move away from the blame-game and take responsibility for your life.
For Guilt: Acknowledge that some factors are beyond your control. Instead of internalizing blame for uncontrollable events, ask yourself if you can change the situation—if the answer is no, release it from your burden.
For Regret: Understand that perfection is unattainable. Give your best effort in every task, accept circumstances as they are, and let go of fixation on outcomes.
PRINCESS R LAKSHMAN is a counsellor, clinical nutritionist, writer, narrative therapist, and certified life coach. Passionate about mental wellness, she advocates for kindness and self-care. Based in Sydney, she is set to launch mind wellness hubs in Fiji, offering free mental health counseling and workshops for local residents. The opinions shared are her own and do not necessarily reflect those of the publication. She can be contacted at info@princesslakshman.com.