Bula Fiji! Thank you for joining us for Bula Vakasaama, a column focused on providing readers with practical strategies for enhancing mental health and overall well-being.
Today’s discussion centers on the emotions of shame, blame, guilt, and regret—feelings that can undermine our happiness and pull us into a tumultuous cycle of sorrow, anxiety, and negative reactions. These emotions can manifest daily, influencing our behaviors and thoughts, often unconsciously.
To better understand how these feelings impact our happiness, it’s essential to reflect on whether we have experienced any of these emotions recently and how they might connect to our responses.
Shame arises from a deep-seated part of us that we often avoid facing. It may develop when we internalize a negative event and start to view ourselves as “bad” for experiencing it. This can lead to a distorted sense of self-worth based on external incidents rather than our inherent value. If left unaddressed, shame can severely affect our mental and physical health. Victims of sexual abuse exemplify this, as they may carry deep shame into adulthood, feeling tainted by their experiences.
Blame occurs when we refuse to take responsibility for our actions, often projecting fault onto others. This refusal to reflect on our choices can trap us in a mindset of victimhood, preventing us from moving forward. Blaming others or ourselves diminishes our power and hinders personal growth.
Guilt is a natural response we all experience when we believe our past actions have caused someone harm. This emotional burden can weigh on our thoughts and actions. There are two categories of guilt: Appropriate Guilt, which arises from recognizably harmful actions, and Irrational Guilt, where we inappropriately assume responsibility for events beyond our control. Understanding the distinction can help us learn and grow from our experiences rather than remain trapped in self-blame.
Regret emerges from an inability to accept past outcomes, leading to constant dwelling on what might have been. This fixation can hinder our ability to plan for the future and impedes positive thinking, as we often carry the burden of past experiences into new situations, afraid of repeating mistakes.
To combat these emotions, consider the following strategies:
For shame, recognize that it is not your fault; seek professional help to process your experiences and work toward forgiveness.
For blame, take an observer’s stance on your choices; accept responsibility for your actions, and exit the blame-game.
For guilt, accept that some situations are beyond your control, evaluate what can be changed, and let go of what cannot.
For regret, abandon the myth of perfection; focus on doing your best, accept the present moment without judgment, and release attachment to specific outcomes.
Princess R Lakshman is a counselor, clinical nutritionist, writer, narrative therapist, and certified life coach. She is dedicated to promoting mental well-being and advocates for kindness and self-care. Residing in Sydney, she plans to open mind wellness centers in Fiji, offering free mental health counseling and workshops exclusively for residents. The views expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the publication. She can be contacted at info@princesslakshman.com.